I wanted to write something tender, poignant and thoughtful about my trip home to accompany my mother to see her mother who is in the last stages of dying from cancer. Unfortunately, I feel strangely detached, like this is someone else’s movie and I just wandered on the wrong set and I just need to back out quietly and no one will be the wiser.
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I had an opportunity to do this with my father. While I was the granddaughter I felt more like a sybling at the time. I seemed to move between daughet, peer and neice depending on the hour and the need.
I loved being with my grandmother when she passed. When I think about being in the presence of God and the receiving of Grace, I think of my grandmother’s passing and the birth of my children. His hand moves at other times but never as visibly as in these moments.
I know that you were a source of comfort to your Mother. Just being there made a difference to your mother and grandmother.
being a witness to your mother’s loss of her mother IS a strange place to be. 2 years ago I was my mother’s shoulder to lean on and found moments where I felt like I was watching through a window of an experience I don’t want to have but know will come. And as Wendy say, the grace of the experience was moving beyond words to convey it.
Like Darlene already noted I am sure you were on the right set playing a very small, but important supporting role. May the set in the skies above be a more restful one for your grandmother.
hugs,
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You know what is really interesting is you have the capacity to share these thoughts. I have definitely felt like you in the past. I really believe if you are a truly empathetic person, it is hard when you cannot feel what one of your loved ones, may it be a friend, brother, sister, father, mother or mentor is feeling at the time. You feel like you are cheating those people. But you should be proud for your honesty with yourself and others (through this blog). Because at least you are not faking something you really can’t feel. That is why I have maintained a long friendship with you…because as I have quoted and will quote in the future…my favorite Burning Man phrase…”You GET IT.”
hey all, thanks for the kind words. this post was so hard to write, but i don’t know why. i’m rarely at a loss for words. Wendy, Tek, Ms. D, Adrienne, Anil…Thank you. My grandma is stable but declining, my mom is doing okay I guess.
Hi there – I have been in your shoes. When my mom’s father passed, it was a long process and she was so tortured and yet I could only watch. I felt like you, just watching it all unfold. I honestly don’t think I cried at his funeral. The emotion just wasn’t there. I find that as time goes by I have moments where I feel very deeply about that time and realize that I was in the best role I could be in at the time. I was able to do things for my mom that she couldn’t handle. You are serving a critical role.
I love you.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
It’s an Irish blessing, and when I saw what you wrote I thought of this. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Tender, poignant, and thoughtful? I think you nailed it. Such eloquence is seldom achieved in just a few dozen words.
*hugs*
It’s such a complicated mix of emotions, isn’t it? How we can experience family members differently than others… (I know I’m late commenting on this, but I’ve been so behind in reading everyone’s blogs…)